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June 30, 2007

 iPhone day #1  

I picked up an iPhone this morning, as its been 5 years since my last cellphone purchase and all my friends bought iPhones last night. I'm not good with the peer pressure.

After an afternoon with it, these are my initial observations:

I.
The AT&T voice network, and the iPhone, are amazing. They completely blow-away Sprint PCS 'service'. My block is a half dead zone on sprint & tmobile , both cut out like crazy when friends visit, I've had to use Skype @ home. With AT&T -- not a single dropped call so fat, and more importantly- not a single dropped word. Sprint, you suck ass.

II.
The iPhone is not an iPod and a phone. Its a phone with iPod features. iPods are intuitive products that really liberate & empower the user -- they're user friendly, people keep buying them and using them because of customer loyalty from positive experiences with apple. Cellphones are not the same -- pretty much everyone hates their provider , dropped calls, increasing prices, customer service that is piss poor , 'retention policies' that victimize the subscriber to try and make them stay with a sub-par experience... i could go on.The iPhone is riddled with the after-effects of greedy back-door marketing deals. While half of the product was made by experience designers and usability engineers at apple, the other half is obviously made by rent-seeking MBA lowlife scum from AT&T that want to squeeze every single dime out of you.

Specific Gripes

I. The iPhone does not have an iChat client ( AIM / ICQ / etc ) - while just about every other phone does. Why? Only Steve Jobs knows, but my money is on this: AT&T wanted to keep people off the data network for the $20 a month bargain fee, and force them to upgrade to the unlimited SMS option -- as iChat would completely circumvent the SMS and multimedia sms (picture mail) billing schemes. Thankfully some people are rolling out web-based AIM servers , which are popping up on the net now-- thank god for TwistedPython , which makes that a breeze ( I've read of 3 projects so far, 1 in twisted 2 in other frameworks ).

II. The iPhone doesn't support flash - yet? at all?. Most phones have Flash Lite. I'm waiting to hear from a friend at Adobe if its a platform issue. My guess again is that this is because of SMS billing. Integrating flash means services like Meebo which can proxy AOL/ICQ.

III. Wanna bet Skype will never make it onto this phone?

IV. The iPhone only syncs playlists. This is a BIG issue for me. iPods let you drop tracks , create playlists, do whatever the hell you want. the iPhone seems to work like one of those phone-with-itunes , you create the playlist then sync it on. This is ridiculously annoying.

V. The calendar sync sucks. When you sync your calendar, this happens: all selected calendars are merged into a meta-calendar for the iPhone. New events on the iPhone are synced back to the mac based on a pre-selected calendar. The calendars should have been kept separate-- my ical events pull in a lot of context based on the calendar they appear in. Stuff like "meeting w/A" or "launch version 2.0" -- am I talking about FindMeOn or RoadSound ? On iCal i know. On iPhone I don't.

VI. This phone seems to do everything but... offer custom ringtones? Why do I have a weird feeling that this is being blocked out so AT&T can sell their own , through a widget ringtone store ?

VII. The iPhone does not have a Terminal. No *nix shell?!?! Thankfully , again, another open source project -- WebShell http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mressl/webshell/ -- which lets you run a ssh proxy on a webserver ( you https onto the webserver, then ssh onto the remote *nix/bsd box. not ideal, but relatively safe if you control the intermediary box ).

VIII. The iPhone keyboard is a PITA. Someone make a plug-in external keyboard -- I'll buy it ASAP. Using the keyboard isn't as annoying as I thought it would be , its not that hard to type and not too-many mistakes are made by the proximity recognition on the virtual keypad. BUT, and this is a big BUT , letters are on one screen, numbers and symbols are on another. To type in an email address, you do letter, letter, letter , switch-screen , @ , switch-screen , letter letter , switch-screen , dot , switch-screen suffix. Its a fucking hassle.

IX. A lot of the Apple responses to why stuff isn't on the phone has to do with AT&T having network security concerns. I question that. There shouldn't be much difference at all to running an app on the iPhone and putting an AT&T wireless card in your PCMCIA slot. If there is, then I question Apple's judgements in design - as they could easily have isolated the network features.

What I'd like to see

I. Support multiple iCals
2. iChat
3. Flash Lite
4. Read pdfs.
5. Click & Save-As on photos in the web browser -- then the chance to assign that photo to a contact , mail/message it , or save it for pulling off a sync list.
6. The ability to use the phone as a data drive, like on the ipods

Those are my gripes today, they'll likely stay until the software gets updated or exacerbated into something more ridiculous.

Posted by Jonathan at 7:39 PM | Comments (0)

June 19, 2007

 "My Dating Life" is a sitcom  

I increasingly think that I'm not a real person, and that I'm really a character in some sitcom called "My Dating Life", which millions of viewers tune into each week. They laugh, they don't cry, and they laugh some more-- All at my expense. Why? Because stuff seems to happen to me every damn week that makes real shows with 'dating' plots like Seinfeld, Scrubs, or How I Met Your Mother seem boring and unfunny. At the very least, if I am a real person, there's got to be some sort of camera crew following me around -- because stuff like this "just doesn't happen".

Like all good stories, we need to start off with a flashback...

In September I met up with a girl whom I had met online. For those of you laughing already, damn you for meeting people up-to-your-standards the normal way. I rarely do. Now this wasn't so much a date as a meeting (and my actual dates have been way worse) but it was with a girl -- so we're keeping on with the title...

I have high standards. Finding smart , attractive, and dynamic woman, who doesn't smoke, eat meat, believe in religion, or own a cat is damn hard -- even in a liberal hub like NYC. Often times I just don't think she exists, and have taken to settling for a simple majority -- and that never works out. I've been known to tear when I hear a pretty girl ask "Mind if I smoke?" or mention Jesus/Synagogue/The High Moon Priestess (*&&@!#.

In any event, I met up with this certain girl whom I met online. We met in September, so I'll just call her Miss September for simplicity. It also has that beauty-pagent / pinup feel to it-- and she was indeed cute, incredibly intelligent, and had an all-around really awesome personality. So the name fits.

As for meeting up? Well, I thought the night went well. Dinner, a drink, a walk around town to the subway. I (for once) didn't want to bolt , and she had every opportunity to (and didn't). So it wasn't a failure. We walked to the subway together, and made plans to make plans to hang out some time again. I figured at the least she's got to have a ton of cute friends I can meet and could turn into a good friend.

Perhaps 'making plans to make plans' should have set off some alarms in my head. As some 'serial dater' friends would comment , I failed to 'close the deal' with solid plans or any prelude to a night of meaningless regrettable sex. I didn't want to seem too forward , so I held back, and reached out to her two days later. No reply. After 3 days pass, I'm a little dejected: half of me knows whats up, and the other half spins a bunch of tall tales and explanations. I just try to brush it all off - but its still fresh in my mind. I kind of want to send an email and say "what the fuck? you could have sent an email", but I'm smart enough not to. So I waited about two weeks and still no reply-- its clear where the situaton was. I'm left feeling even more dejected-- Miss September is a 'catch', and I've been 'missing' a lot lately.

We should note that this all happens during an extreme lull in my dating life: a series of dates that were nothing short of disastrous, with 5 women I had met randomly or through friends. Perhaps the highlight of these dates was the girl I refer to as the 'slow burn'-- someone whom I had met at a party and had a drunken extended make-out with, went out to dinner a few days later which parted on a peck on the lips, and then went to a movie with that weekend -- ending on a strained hug. Fast cars go from 0 to 60 in 10 seconds, slow-burns go from 60 to 0 in 7 days.

Getting back to the main story, I'm more than a little frustrated with the current situation. I'm floundering on what to do, and keep turning to my friend Sarah for advice. Sarah is pretty-darn-awesome and helps me write a polite note to Miss September expressing my 'displeasure' with the current state of affairs. (is that euphemism or what!?! )

Paraphrased, the note read:
"Hey- It's cool if you don't want to meet up again, people don't always connect the same way. But you could have said 'No' when we parted, and you could have said 'No' in a voicemail or even an impersonal email. But blowing someone off is just not... cool. We're all adults -- we can both handle rejection, but there has to be a rejection. It's just the polite thing to do."

Not to sound bitter about double standards, but every damn day a girl I know complains to me "Why didn't he call?" "Whats with guys blowing girls off all the time? We *never* do that". Cough, cough. Yes, yes, yes you girls do. And I'm sick of the double standard-- you either drop the false claims, or you act up.

So Sarah helped me with the short note, and hitting send on that email was a catharsis. I felt relieved, it was in the past, and I didn't expect to ever hear from her ever again. I was fully functional , no longer floundering, and felt once-again in-charge of my life.

Until two days later when she replied:
"Jonathan- I'm sorry. I had to leave town for two weeks, there was a family emergency and I had to go to Chicago."

Well then... there... wow.

That went from an awkward situation to a beyond completely fucking awkward situation in just about 1 sentence.

Let's play a quick game-- its called "Who's the asshole now?". I think the safe bet is on me.

The rest of the message was, of course, a very polite rejection letter -- the kind of which I had expected 2 weeks earlier. ( Miss September was far too nice for a mean or even curt letter. You know that type of super sweet NYC girl, the polar opposite of those shallow shells who like to pretend they're living out episodes of Sex in the City for fun )

Of course, thats just the prelude- it was the flashback. Unfortunately for me , there's more! A lot more...

This past weekend I had brunch with my Mom. She was downtown already, so just caught the subway a few stops over to my apartment around Noon. I had a 4pm appointment with one of my lawyers, so I had to cut the visit short and run into the city, and we went to the subway together.

As we walked into the L train at Bedford, who should enter the same car with us?

Yep, you guessed it, Miss September.

I honestly thought things couldn't get any more awkward between me and Miss September: apparently bad date, unintentional blowoff, complaining at her in the midst of a family emergency-- I had honestly tried to forget all that ever happened. It was like a series of events that only Larry David could concoct, and was thankfully in the past.

Nothing stays in the past though, and Larry David must be following me around for a new hidden camera show "Curb his Enthusiasm"-- because I'm walking into a crowded NYC subway car months later with Miss September, and we end up sharing the same subway pole. With Mom.

Now this is just a joke. A cruel cruel joke. I'm standing there flustered, making 'eek' , 'ummm' , 'ehhhh' , 'uhhh' noises in my head which I hope are not coming out of my mouth, as I'm terrified/convinced that they are.

Thankfully they're not. I think. As I manage to stumble my way through a conversation. To make things really complicated though, she's talkative. Very talkative. And interesting/engaging/captivating - so I find myself wanting to talk to her. After all, she's Miss September.

But I'm standing there, talking ( I think ) while in the back of my mind I'm continually wanting to close my eyes and pretend this all isn't happening. It's a dream , a nightmare, a daytime anxiety attack in my head. Thats It! I'm imagining it all.

I wish. It's real. I'm standing there completely flustered, trying to balance a conversation between a super-cute girl I once met , who seemingly blew me off before I totally offended as she was dealing with family issues... and my mother.

I don't really know how to introduce these two, so I do the natural thing. I don't. Putting it off... putting it off... putting it off. I can procrastinate with the best of them. I stand there having 2 separate conversations, and think to myself 'Dear god, this can't possibly get any worse. Thank god, this can't possibly get any worse".

And then the subway car slows down, and an ominous voice echoes "First Avenue". The doors open , I feel relieved. It's over.

"Bye mom, I love you. Call you tonight".

Now if you remember the earlier story above, I'm agnostic. I've been looking to meet girls who don't believe in god. And because of that, well, not to get too metaphysical-- God probably isn't listening (if he exists) , or he does exist and is pissed off, as I'm actively questioning his existence. So it naturally does get worse. Much worse. Much, much, much worse. Worse.

I turn to miss September. "Crazy running into you. This is your stop too, right?"

In my dreams. The good ones.

Miss September: "Oh No. I'm getting off at 14th"
My Mom: "Oh!" She smiles. "Thats where I transfer."
Me: ( under my breath ) "You have got to be fucking kidding me. Seriously."

In a blur and a smile, I wave, walk onto the platform, turn around, and watch the doors close and the car pull away in a complete blur of the past few minutes. Its like this scene isn't real. After a few moments of "Did that just really happen?" I laugh it off, walk to my 4pm appointment, and tell my lawyer/friend the story.

As I spin my tale, he spits water out of his mouth and falls to the ground laughing.

Who wouldn't?

"Only you Jon... Only you".

Now he's a lawyer, and he has a pretty sharp wit-- so he follows up with: "So how terrified are you of calling your mom tonight?"

And that's not something that hit me before , from the shock of the situation. And it kind of hits me then. Hard. I apparently turned really pale for a minute or so, and fell completely silent in sheer panic , as my consciousness and subconscious worked out the situation. Eventually I came-to with an "oh!" and just laughed it off.

Ha ha. Right?

Later that night, I have the dreaded call with my Mom.

And yes, you can guess what she said, it was as if someone gave her a script.

"Oh my! That girl today on the subway! She likes you. She was very pretty. You should call her and ask her out. She kept smiling. Girls do that for a reason. She's very cute. And so nice. You should date a girl like her. Not like those girls you usually date. She wouldn't have talked so much unless she liked you. She has very nice skin. Did you notice? You should call her... Really, you should ask her out. On a date. She was very nice. She even wanted to walk me to my transfer at 14th."

I think my neighbors could hear my eyes roll as my mother spoke on the phone.

The only way I can honestly end this story is with a question-- Does this sort of shit happen to anyone else? Seriously. Because this happens to me A LOT. Not necessarily the mom involvement, but the life-parallels-a-sitcom seems to be a recurring theme.

I've got Miss September, The Slow Burn, my last serious girlfriend dumped me because she thinks that she wants to be a cat-lady ( her words. not mine ), the girl i went out on 3 first dates with over 2 years and kept blowing me off for a second, and I caught my last serious-serious girlfriend cheating on me while I was shopping for an engagement ring because she felt like she had to 'fuck a lot more men' before she settled but didn't want to lose me. And that's just the start.

I could go on with tales, but if I did, I'd probably cry. I've literally dated 1 girl who wasn't a sitcom/cartoon character in my life-- she was/is awesome , but just not the right fit. That's life... I guess.

My dating life is a sitcom, or at least it should be. I really don't think writers can make stuff like this up if they try. A series of unfortunate events never goes this far during the creative process-- and it usually doesn't go this far in real life.

( edited 06-20-2007 )

Posted by Jonathan at 11:17 PM | Comments (0)