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July 18, 2007
How Harry Potter Dies. Really. 
I just read an advance because, well, I have the hookups.
Harry Potter dies. Its shocking, its tragic, and worst of all its preventable.
Here's how it unfolds: Harry Potter And Ron Weasley travel to London where they meet some 'cheeky birds' (read: girls) in a bar, hit things off, and wind up losing their virginities in the bathrooms. Its really an endearing scene... the jukebox played 'ooh ooh its magic....'
The girls were both attractive, or so Rowling claims. Harry took the blonde to the mensroom, while Ron and the brunette ventured to the ladies room.
Bad choice, Mr. Potter. Everyone knows you don't get busy in the mens room -- its not only dirtier, but the condom machines are never working , if they even exist at all.
Ron, however, is fortunate enough to find himself in a much cleaner bathroom with a condom machine. More importantly, he's neurotic enough to drop a few pence into the actual machine and get his 'magic wand' protected.
Harry is both a-bit-too-self-righteous-for-his-own-good, living dangerously with that scar on his head and all... and when damned by chance to bathroom with no condom machine, he simple remains unprotected.
And that my friends, is how Harry Potter dies. Harry Potter had unprotected sex with a stranger and got AIDS. Yes, the 'Master Wizard' dies from AIDS.
In Rowling's world, uf you're a normal person and contract HIV, you've got a few years to live. If you're rich, you've got a few decades. But if you're 'magical', you'll curl up and die from full blown AIDS in under a week - just like Harry Potter.
What a horrid, tragic, ending to the Harry Potter legacy.
It makes you think though... how awesome of JK Rowling.
Knowing full well what arrogant idiots American parents and the politicized education can be in regards to sex education, she slides a bit of basic 'get protected, it minimizes your risk' wisdom into her last book. ( note: Ron didn't get off unscathed , he caught crabs and his parents grounded him until he turns 18. Rowling made it very clear that risk was minimized, not non-existant)
Sadly, its the best bit of common-sense education many American children will get this year.
Posted by Jonathan at July 18, 2007 1:40 AM
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